Recently, I was sitting at a field waiting for my players to arrive for their game. While I was waiting, I was watching the game that was already in progress. I sat in the stand behind the bench where the coaches were located and watched as the two girls’ teams went through the motions of their game. Then it happened. One of the coaches said quite publicly to one of his players as she walked off the field to get the ball that had gone out of bounds, “hey, stop playing like a girl!” with a kind of grimaced smile on his face. The player looked confused. Without missing a beat, the girl said, “I am a girl”, and then took the throw. I was struck by how oblivious the coach was to the whole communication process, which got me thinking about how we should communicate with our players and whether I communicate effectively enough with the girls I coach.
I have personally heard coaches say other things like “there’s no point working on communication with girls, they just don’t talk on the field” and “why are you late, did you stop to get your nails done?”, I want to focus on what the coach in my anecdote said. What does “stop playing like a girl” mean? What does a girl play like? The context is derogatory, suggesting that the person being berated isn’t playing well because she isn’t playing like a boy. Going a little deeper, what attributes does society believe male athletes have that female athletes don’t? Male athletes are thought to be quicker, physically and mentally stronger, and more aggressive. The message we give our girls when we say things like this is two-fold: We are saying that sport played properly is masculine. We are also saying that girls who perform well are masculine. Essentially, we are saying that being female is inadequate in sports competition, unless the female is man-like.
Let’s think about some other competitive environments our girls will find themselves in. With club tryouts around the corner, how about competing for a place on an ‘A’ team or on a varsity roster? Are we saying that the players that make the top team are “mannish” and those who do not are “too girly”? Or, not competitive enough? How about applying for college? Attending job interviews? Starting a business? Are we going to tell them that if they want to be competitive they will have to think and behave like a man? What does that even mean? Can we honestly expect our girls to go into a world where competition is crucial, and be successful, after we have given them the message that girls are not competitive and so, if they want to compete they must forsake any notion of being a girl?
Research shows that one of the biggest influences on a player is her coach’s behavior. So, what can we as coaches do to create an environment that will help empower and encourage the girls we work with to strive for success?
Communication is the integral factor in the development of the coach-player relationship. Research shows that communication and the building of rapport yields more positive results in terms of achieving pre-determined goals. Generally speaking, males and females communicate differently. From a very young age, girls display more positive emotions and behaviors such as happiness, surprise, smiling and laughter. They are more concerned about how the other person feels and building a connection. This gender difference becomes much more pronounced by middle school and into adolescence. Research shows that girls are much better at reading emotions than boys. It is hypothesized that this is because girls are taught it’s ok to show emotion and boys are taught to be ‘strong’ instead. Females are generally more supportive in their communications, which helps develop rapport. Females have also been shown to scale back their knowledge (e.g., act like they don’t know the answer to something) and try to appear tentative when speaking, so as not to appear threatening or overbearing.
Males, on the other hand, tend to communicate to show that they are not dependent on or subservient to others, and use communication to further their own self interests. From a very young age, boys tend to show more negative emotions and behaviors. In fact, males of most animal species have been shown to be more aggressive. Males show this aggression through raising their voices, shouting or name-calling. Males tend to be direct and less responsive when communicating. Males also tend to be impersonal, offering very little by way of personal disclosure.
What does all this mean? Well, it means that what you say and how you say it are extremely important and require thought, care and your undivided attention. As mentioned earlier, from a very young age, girls read emotion more accurately on faces and in body language. So even if you say something like “stop playing like a girl” with a smile on your face as a disguise, it is most likely going to be seen for what it most likely is, an act of frustration, hostility or aggression. Females also have more of a tendency to internalize and personalize criticism and worry more about what others think of them. So be careful about singling them out for criticism in front of their peers. Female athletes perform better when they have honest, open and respectful communication with their coach, and good communication yields a better coach-athlete relationship. A poor relationship created in a way that could cause upset or anger from a player towards a coach can be detrimental to the team environment. Research shows that females would rather vent to third parties than confront the source of their upset or anger. This could obviously affect the overall coach-player relationship as this third-party venting could spread through the group, especially as females empathize with and offer support to one another.
In male-female relationships, those that share the same communication values tend to be more beneficial and productive relationships. Research shows that girls get more satisfaction from their participation when they feel supported by the coach. In fact, female athletes have been shown to respond better when they receive higher percentages of supportive and instructional feedback.
Coaching Strategies
Below are 6 things we as coaches can do to help empower and encourage our female players to strive for success
We’re not in the mid to late 20th century anymore where the autocratic way of ruling with an iron fist was the norm. Smiling, laughing and showing happiness will help to develop rapport with your players.
EXAMPLE: When a player does something well in a practice or game environment praise them for it. Rather than standing in a stoic manner offering a few words of congratulations. Smile, open your arms with a positive gesture of two thumbs up and tell the player “That was awesome, you put the ball right in the corner! Great Job!”
2. Listen actively.
To show your player that you are invested in what she is saying, be responsive in conversation. Listen and show emotions related to the player’s story while also trying to offer support.
EXAMPLE: When a player tells you about something pertinent to their say: “I know what you mean…” or “I think I understand how you feel…”.
3. Be honest.
You are in a position where you will be offering feedback to players on a regular basis. It is imperative that you are one hundred percent honest with the player. Giving information that is incorrect, even as a way to motivate a player, can only be destructive. First, it will not help the player develop. Second, if you then give feedback that contradicts your lie, you could lose the player’s trust. We have plenty of opportunity for this when the players come and ask for feedback.
EXAMPLE: When a player asks if they did something well, but you feel there is room for improvement. Tell them! “You did a great job of showing for the ball by checking away from your marker. Your first touch needs to be a little bit sharper. That will help us keep the ball up-field longer, then we can get more support around you.”
4. Sandwich your feedback.
Thinking about how you offer criticism or corrective feedback to your player could help solidify the coach-player relationship. We can give critical feedback without being negative. Utilizing a sandwich style approach to feedback is a great option. This allows the coach to start the conversation positively, offer some instructional feedback aimed at improving performance, and then closing with the reaffirmation of the initial positive behavior.
EXAMPLE: “I really love what you tried to do there with your first touch. Next time try and check your shoulder before you receive the ball, so you know what’s happening around you. Keep it up! I really like your effort!”.
5. Keep feedback private.
When offering critical feedback to the group, it is fine to do so in a group setting. When offering feedback to an individual, try to talk away from the player’s peers. Embarrassing your players in front of their teammates can irreparably damage the coach-player relationship.
EXAMPLE: If the overall work-rate of most of the group has been lower than normal, it is fine to say “WE need to work harder to support the ball more often”. If it is just a few players, pull them to one side and have a private word with them by asking “Is everything ok today, are you feeling alright?”. Based on the response, this can lead into a statement like “You don’t seem yourself, normally you are always on the move. I just wanted to check that you’re ok.”
6. Be specific when giving feedback.
The type and quality of technical instruction is valued very highly by female athletes. Telling a player “well done” doesn’t help. Research shows that offering general praise is less impactful on female players. Broad sweeping statements lack sincerity. Tell the player what she did well and give details.
EXAMPLE:
“You were brilliant today. I really enjoyed your movement, especially when you looked to stretch the defense and then checked back into the space to receive the ball. That was exactly what we worked on in practice. Great job!”.
Our purpose as coaches is to create an environment that allows players to unlock their full potential. For this to happen we must allow our players to show courage, think critically, develop confidence, and play with freedom and creativity. The last thing we want to do is adversely affect the environment through poor communication. It is essential that coaches get to know their players as individuals. These coaching strategies offer a good start towards improving the player-coach relationship through effective communication. They will allow the coach to cater to each player, creating a meaningful experience for each and every girl on your team.
References
Chaplin, T. M., & Aldao, A. (2013). Gender differences in emotion expression in children: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 139(4), 735-765. doi:10.1037/a0030737
Harris, J. (2005). The Image Problem in Women’s Football. Journal of Sport and Social Issues, 29(2), 184-197. doi:10.1177/0193723504273120
Holmstrom, A. J. (2009). Sex and gender similarities and differences in communication values in same-sex and cross-sex friendships. Communication Quarterly, 57(2), 224-238. doi:10.1080/01463370902889455
Lumin Learning Support. (n.d.). SPCH 1311: Introduction to Speech Communication. Retrieved from https://courses.lumenlearning.com/atdcoursereview-speechcomm-1/chapter/are-there-really-differences-in-gender-communication-styles/
Nelson, M. B. (1998). I won, I’m sorry. Self Magazine, 145-147,
Reuell, P. (2016, August 11). Resolving conflict: Men vs. women. Retrieved from https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2016/08/resolving-conflict-men-vs-women/
SIRC. (2014, October 9). Coaching boys or girls: Is there a difference? Retrieved from https://sirc.ca/blog/coaching-boys-or-girls-there-difference
Williams, J. M. (2010). Applied sport psychology: Personal growth to peak performance (6th ed.). New York, NY: Mcgraw Hill Higher Education.